56 inShare By Lore Sjöberg Email Author February 6, 2012 | 6:30 am | Categories: Current Affairs Less is more: End user license agreements need not be as long as the Bible. Photo: SXC, modified by Lore Sjöberg Google is making a big deal out of consolidating all its user agreements that nobody reads into a single, short, comprehensible user agreement that like three people will read. I say the company can do better than that, and so can all the other weblords out there. I think they can get their agreements down to 100 words that anyone can read in a couple of minutes and maybe 20 percent of users actually will. OK, 15 percent. To prove it, I’m writing 100-word license agreements for some of the big players in the web sphere. Also, a web sphere is something Spider-Man can shoot at people. Google Why do you care what our user agreement says? We could put anything in here and you’d agree to it. You know why? Because you people love us. You! Love! Us! You’re all, “Oh please, Google, can I use you for e-mail? Can I stick my daughter’s quinceañera in Google Calendar? Can I put all my spreadsheets in you? May I watch videos of sleepy kittens? Oh, and can I please search you forever and always, please?” What are you going to do, switch to freaking DuckDuckGo? Here’s your user agreement: We agree you should shut up and use our stuff. Facebook We respect your privacy. You can control who sees your posts, your links and your damn Bejeweled scores by clicking Profile, then Personal Information, then Privacy Settings, then traveling across the Stormwave Sea to Hideaway Island and finding the one tree that, if you sing to it very sweetly, will point the way to the Golden Gully, wherein you will find the Privacy Elf. You must follow your heart or be lost forever. Once you have reached the Privacy Elf, answer his riddle and you can keep your mom from seeing what you wore for Halloween last year. Yahoo! By using Yahoo!’s services, including but not limited to Yahoo! Finance, Yahoo! Maps, Yahoo! Mail, Yahoo! Calendar, Yahoo! Games, Yahoo! Shopping, Yahoo! People Search, Yahoo! Music, Yahoo! Messenger, Yahoo! Dating, Yahoo! Jobs, Yahoo! Escort Services and Yahoo! Planetary Concordance and Asteroid Alert, you agree to apparently think it’s still 1998 and there aren’t better services out there that don’t think it’s cute to have an exclamation point in their name. Also, you agree to complain at the top of your lungs every time we make even the tiniest little change to Flickr, you big babies. Amazon Amazon agrees to enhance your shopping experience by: 1. Ensuring that when searching for the cheapest Blu-ray player, you have to wade through pages of connectors and accessories even though you specified the Blu-ray player category. 2. Shipping your six-pack of razors in a box the size of an airport shuttle bus. 3. Assuming, because you bought a Caillou DVD for your nephew, you’re obsessed with Canadian kids’ shows, and suggesting that you buy Passe-Partout and The Smoggies forever after. 4. Making sure you never, for a picosecond, forget there’s this thing called a Kindle and maybe you should buy one. Twitter You, hereafter known as “you,” agree to hold Twitter, hereafter known as “Twitter,” harmless and not at all liable for any mental distress, reduction of intellectual capacity, eye spasms, difficulty breathing, frothing at the corners of the mouth, flared nostrils, pounding headaches, pounding stomachaches, incessant sounds of still-beating hearts coming from under the floorboards, sleepless nights, listless days, interminable afternoons, allergic reactions, seething hatred, roiling hatred, burning hatred, fermenting hatred, soft pillowy hatred or hair-tearing, whether self-inflicted or imposed on loved ones, resulting from the upcoming deluge of half-assed, poorly informed, astonishingly misspelled political tweets you’re going to see this year. Photo: SXC, modified by Lore Sjöberg – – – Born helpless, naked and unable to provide for himself, Lore Sjöberg overcame these handicaps to become a lawyer, a voyeur and a foyer. PREVIOUSLYYOU MIGHT LIKERelated Links by Contextly Alt Text: Google’s Dark, Fictional Secrets Alt Text: Facebook, Google Battle for Hearts and Minds of Jerks Alt Text: Top 10 Things Nobody Cared About in 2011 Award-winning humorist Lore Sjöberg is the author of The Book of Ratings, a founder of The Brunching Shuttlecocks, and the creator of The Cyborg Name Decoder. His work has appeared in Wired magazine, Adbusters, and has appeared on NPR’s Talk of the Nation and All Things Considered. Follow @loresjoberg and @theunderwire on Twitter. Tags: Alt Text, Amazon, DuckDuckGo, EULAs, Facebook, Google, Twitter, Yahoo Post Comment | 10 Comments and 291 Reactions | Permalink inShare 56 Reddit DiggStumble UponDeliciousEmail Disqus Like Dislike and 4 others liked this. Login Add New Comment Post as … Image Showing 8 comments Andrew Weintraub TL;DR Like Reply 8 hours ago 6 Likes blankenmind mmmm.. soft pillowy hatred… Like Reply 8 hours ago 5 Likes FireFold, Think. Box. Done. “Also, a web sphere is something Spider-Man can shoot at people.” Geek cred approved. You may now be taken srsly :P The article makes a good point about how these “weblords” should shorten their user agreements. Despite the fact that these TL;DR texts contain all of the inherent ‘services’ that the customer is agreeing to, the barrier of mind-numbing language is simply to great for most. The burden of responsibility really shouldn’t be on the consumer.. Like Reply 6 hours ago 2 Likes Roque Antonio Mocán Quan Websphere is the IBM alternative to Microsoft’s .NET and Oracle whatever… Like Reply 4 hours ago in reply to FireFold dancalloway I’m an avid fan of Google+, not Facebook. I like your 100-word EULA for Google with one major exception…I’m also a big fan of DuckDuckGo. Please don’t trash that exceptional search engine. Like Reply 9 hours ago 1 Like WiredShmired Amazon should also promise you not to ship a bobcat. Like Reply 1 hour ago DjDATZ Apple’s very short EULA: You bought our product, whether it was an iPad, iPhone, iPod, iTV, AppleTV, iThis or an iThat. You’re hooked. And we own you know. Peace! =) Like Reply 3 hours ago slawek74 I was certain Sjöberg has long hair. The new hairstyle or lack thereof and the black logo suggest some sort of emo-girlfriend-crisis for the 40 year old. Somehow I can’t help it, but this reminds me of a friend who got a short haircut because of his new girlfriend who ditched him soon thereafter anyway and all he was left with was his dignity cut short. I hope this won’t happen to me ever. Btw. here is my shortest EULA version only three characters long: … Should work for any weblord out there. Like Reply 4 hours ago M Subscribe by email S RSS Reactions SUBSCRIBE TO WIRED MAGAZINE Subscribe to WIRED Renew Give a Gift International Orders EDITORIAL TEAM Editor: Lewis Wallace | E-mail | Twitter Contributor: Hugh Hart | E-mail Contributor: Chris Kohler | E-mail | Twitter Contributor: John Scott Lewinski | E-mail Contributor: Scott Thill | E-mail Contributor: Angela Watercutter | E-mail Send us a tip SERVICES Subscription: Subscribe | Give a Gift | Renew | International | Questions | Change Address Quick Links: Contact Us | Sign In/Register Sign Out | Newsletter | RSS Feeds | Tech Jobs | Wired Mobile | FAQ | Site Map


56 inShare By Lore Sjöberg Email Author February 6, 2012 | 6:30 am | Categories: Current Affairs Less is more: End user license agreements need not be as long as the Bible. Photo: SXC, modified by Lore Sjöberg Google is making a big deal out of consolidating all its user agreements that nobody reads into a single, short, comprehensible user agreement that like three people will read. I say the company can do better than that, and so can all the other weblords out there. I think they can get their agreements down to 100 words that anyone can read in a couple of minutes and maybe 20 percent of users actually will. OK, 15 percent. To prove it, I’m writing 100-word license agreements for some of the big players in the web sphere. Also, a web sphere is something Spider-Man can shoot at people. Google Why do you care what our user agreement says? We could put anything in here and you’d agree to it. You know why? Because you people love us. You! Love! Us! You’re all, “Oh please, Google, can I use you for e-mail? Can I stick my daughter’s quinceañera in Google Calendar? Can I put all my spreadsheets in you? May I watch videos of sleepy kittens? Oh, and can I please search you forever and always, please?” What are you going to do, switch to freaking DuckDuckGo? Here’s your user agreement: We agree you should shut up and use our stuff. Facebook We respect your privacy. You can control who sees your posts, your links and your damn Bejeweled scores by clicking Profile, then Personal Information, then Privacy Settings, then traveling across the Stormwave Sea to Hideaway Island and finding the one tree that, if you sing to it very sweetly, will point the way to the Golden Gully, wherein you will find the Privacy Elf. You must follow your heart or be lost forever. Once you have reached the Privacy Elf, answer his riddle and you can keep your mom from seeing what you wore for Halloween last year. Yahoo! By using Yahoo!’s services, including but not limited to Yahoo! Finance, Yahoo! Maps, Yahoo! Mail, Yahoo! Calendar, Yahoo! Games, Yahoo! Shopping, Yahoo! People Search, Yahoo! Music, Yahoo! Messenger, Yahoo! Dating, Yahoo! Jobs, Yahoo! Escort Services and Yahoo! Planetary Concordance and Asteroid Alert, you agree to apparently think it’s still 1998 and there aren’t better services out there that don’t think it’s cute to have an exclamation point in their name. Also, you agree to complain at the top of your lungs every time we make even the tiniest little change to Flickr, you big babies. Amazon Amazon agrees to enhance your shopping experience by: 1. Ensuring that when searching for the cheapest Blu-ray player, you have to wade through pages of connectors and accessories even though you specified the Blu-ray player category. 2. Shipping your six-pack of razors in a box the size of an airport shuttle bus. 3. Assuming, because you bought a Caillou DVD for your nephew, you’re obsessed with Canadian kids’ shows, and suggesting that you buy Passe-Partout and The Smoggies forever after. 4. Making sure you never, for a picosecond, forget there’s this thing called a Kindle and maybe you should buy one. Twitter You, hereafter known as “you,” agree to hold Twitter, hereafter known as “Twitter,” harmless and not at all liable for any mental distress, reduction of intellectual capacity, eye spasms, difficulty breathing, frothing at the corners of the mouth, flared nostrils, pounding headaches, pounding stomachaches, incessant sounds of still-beating hearts coming from under the floorboards, sleepless nights, listless days, interminable afternoons, allergic reactions, seething hatred, roiling hatred, burning hatred, fermenting hatred, soft pillowy hatred or hair-tearing, whether self-inflicted or imposed on loved ones, resulting from the upcoming deluge of half-assed, poorly informed, astonishingly misspelled political tweets you’re going to see this year. Photo: SXC, modified by Lore Sjöberg – – – Born helpless, naked and unable to provide for himself, Lore Sjöberg overcame these handicaps to become a lawyer, a voyeur and a foyer. PREVIOUSLYYOU MIGHT LIKERelated Links by Contextly Alt Text: Google’s Dark, Fictional Secrets Alt Text: Facebook, Google Battle for Hearts and Minds of Jerks Alt Text: Top 10 Things Nobody Cared About in 2011 Award-winning humorist Lore Sjöberg is the author of The Book of Ratings, a founder of The Brunching Shuttlecocks, and the creator of The Cyborg Name Decoder. His work has appeared in Wired magazine, Adbusters, and has appeared on NPR’s Talk of the Nation and All Things Considered. Follow @loresjoberg and @theunderwire on Twitter. Tags: Alt Text, Amazon, DuckDuckGo, EULAs, Facebook, Google, Twitter, Yahoo Post Comment | 10 Comments and 291 Reactions | Permalink inShare 56 Reddit DiggStumble UponDeliciousEmail Disqus Like Dislike and 4 others liked this. Login Add New Comment Post as … Image Showing 8 comments Andrew Weintraub TL;DR Like Reply 8 hours ago 6 Likes blankenmind mmmm.. soft pillowy hatred… Like Reply 8 hours ago 5 Likes FireFold, Think. Box. Done. “Also, a web sphere is something Spider-Man can shoot at people.” Geek cred approved. You may now be taken srsly 😛 The article makes a good point about how these “weblords” should shorten their user agreements. Despite the fact that these TL;DR texts contain all of the inherent ‘services’ that the customer is agreeing to, the barrier of mind-numbing language is simply to great for most. The burden of responsibility really shouldn’t be on the consumer.. Like Reply 6 hours ago 2 Likes Roque Antonio Mocán Quan Websphere is the IBM alternative to Microsoft’s .NET and Oracle whatever… Like Reply 4 hours ago in reply to FireFold dancalloway I’m an avid fan of Google+, not Facebook. I like your 100-word EULA for Google with one major exception…I’m also a big fan of DuckDuckGo. Please don’t trash that exceptional search engine. Like Reply 9 hours ago 1 Like WiredShmired Amazon should also promise you not to ship a bobcat. Like Reply 1 hour ago DjDATZ Apple’s very short EULA: You bought our product, whether it was an iPad, iPhone, iPod, iTV, AppleTV, iThis or an iThat. You’re hooked. And we own you know. Peace! =) Like Reply 3 hours ago slawek74 I was certain Sjöberg has long hair. The new hairstyle or lack thereof and the black logo suggest some sort of emo-girlfriend-crisis for the 40 year old. Somehow I can’t help it, but this reminds me of a friend who got a short haircut because of his new girlfriend who ditched him soon thereafter anyway and all he was left with was his dignity cut short. I hope this won’t happen to me ever. Btw. here is my shortest EULA version only three characters long: … Should work for any weblord out there. Like Reply 4 hours ago M Subscribe by email S RSS Reactions SUBSCRIBE TO WIRED MAGAZINE Subscribe to WIRED Renew Give a Gift International Orders EDITORIAL TEAM Editor: Lewis Wallace | E-mail | Twitter Contributor: Hugh Hart | E-mail Contributor: Chris Kohler | E-mail | Twitter Contributor: John Scott Lewinski | E-mail Contributor: Scott Thill | E-mail Contributor: Angela Watercutter | E-mail Send us a tip SERVICES Subscription: Subscribe | Give a Gift | Renew | International | Questions | Change Address Quick Links: Contact Us | Sign In/Register Sign Out | Newsletter | RSS Feeds | Tech Jobs | Wired Mobile | FAQ | Site Map

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